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How to determine if your gym stinks in 10 days (or less):
Day 1
Bring your own music – use a boom box – and turn it up to inspiration levels and start working out. ACDC’s “Thunderstruck”, some heavy rap or any Metallica song should do the trick.
Day 2
Set up a circuit like one of the typical “Workouts of the Day” posted on several elite fitness websites and put a sign up at each station advising others that this equipment is reserved for accurate timing of your effort.
Day 3
While practicing the Olympic lifts drop a max load from overhead. Or drop any weight more than 6 inches off of the floor. This may do it right here.
Day 4
Find a twenty-inch platform and perform box jumps. Platforms can be benches no ones using, stacks of weights or small walls. Try three sets of two minutes of max jumps. Bizarrely, this one irks the crap out of most gym management.
Day 5
Take a pair of dumbbells out into the parking lot to do walking lunges. You may be accused of theft.
Day 6
Bring several powerlifting buddies to do some super heavy deadlifts. Don’t forget to yell, grunt, scream, and use chalk! Heck, even grunting or yelling during normal lifting may get you asked to leave.
Day 7
If the gym has support poles climb them. If not find something to climb; sling a rope over a beam or rafters, attach some climbing holds to the wall and use them. You won’t get to the climbing part if you need to attach anything. You may get stopped at the door coming in with a twenty-five foot coil of two-inch rope.
Day 8
FOR MEN ONLY: Workout with your shirt off. If you don’t get a reaction have your girlfriend or wife take hers off (OK, Don’t do this, unless you’re prepared to have a criminal record for indecent exposure).
Day 9
Walk on your hands, or do handstand push-ups or some other basic gymnastics stuff.
Day 10
If you’ve gotten this far, this one is the clincher. Record your efforts by writing them on the wall.
If after day ten you are still allowed in,you belong to a great gym. Let us know where it is; we’ll visit them to get more great ideas on how to make ours better! If you’re asked to leave before or during this experiment it’s time to head over to HIT CrossFit!
HIT CrossFit is located at 616 Cox Street, Simpsonville, about 2 miles from he Great Escape IMAX Theater in the old Ducks Gym building.
Reasons NOT to train at HIT CrossFit
(And 10 reasons we don’t want you to come)
10. We make you complete an assessment of your current physical fitness level– Just having a credit card and pulse does not make you a potential athlete. Yes, we said athlete. Athletes have to demonstrate a willingness and ability to train intensely enough to get results. Who wants to have to work hard to get optimum results?
9. We train too hard – You sweat and breathe hard in every workout. You train at the edge of the redline which makes it too hard to read a magazine while “working out.” We won’t let you be a part of the program if you just want to go through the motions. There are no shortcuts to peak physical fitness.
8. We coach you – You can’t just sit and peddle on the bike, we make you learn and develop skills. This isn’t mindless workouts where you just “go thru the motions”. You have to learn how to move better, so you can lift more weight faster – which means you get stronger, faster and lift properly. Who wants to be coached to be stronger or faster?
7. We don’t like whining or excuses – Complainers and criers are shunned, ridiculed, run off and are generally treated like lepers. Yes, it is the right of every human to paint himself or herself as a victim in everything so they can increase their popularity with their everything-is–wrong peer group. So go to a mega-gym and just hang out and complain. Don’t come here. Who wants to go to a place where you can’t complain about everything under the sun?
6. We teach you new things – We make people learn new lifts, workouts and training methods – And expect you to master them. You’ll never do the same workout twice in a month. Every exercise builds upon another. We teach and re-teach the fundamentals so you are good at them. Who wants to learn and perfect movements in constantly changing workouts?
5. We don’t have tons of “cardio” equipment, machines, TV’s Etc. – We don’t have a place to adjust your make up or to flex while you stand around figuring out your next bicep exercise. You can’t check how your new outfit looks when you work out. There is no TV with Jerry or Montel or any other car crash program to distract you from your workout. We actually make you run to do your “cardio”, outside. Who really wants to actually focus on training?
4. We tell you the truth – we tell you when you are not moving right, or babying yourself or just going through the motions. We do not praise you when you look like a space monkey having a seizure. If you do something stupid in a workout we will have probably videoe it and put it on YouTube. Who wants to be held accountable to actually do things right?
3. We expect you to get better and actually expect you to train – We expect you to add weight, go faster and maintain excellent form as a regular part of the training. We expect you to try harder to overcome the weakest links in your performance. We push you to be better, faster, stronger, leaner and more physically fit. We expect everyone who has a membership to actually come to the gym to workout. Who wants that kind of stress to constantly improve or show up?
2. We measure performance – We keep score and make you track your results. We won’t let you just go through the motions – We keep score on the results of your training. If your scores, weights or times are not improving, we want to know why. Is it your diet? Is it your intensity? Is it your willingness to push thru pain? Or are you just too weak to make yourself work past your physical limits? Who wants their performance to improve all the time?
1. We charge too much – We charge enough where you may actually feel compelled to show up and train. We think that if they provide a top level, fully equipped training space and expert coaches to coach you, it is of value to their members. Who wants to pay for a fully equipped and professionally run training center that expects people to workout and requires people to get results?
So if you’re tired of the same old – same old “globo gym” where every Tom, Dick, Harry, Suzie or Mary can just show up, hog your space, give you the creeps while leering at you in the mirrors, where the trainers are just “punching the clock” and could care less about your success or physical fitness goals or worse yet, have no clue what they are doing, come try out at HIT CrossFit. We’re not the biggest, but we are the most elite, professional, fundamentally sound and the best place to train like an athlete. Give us a try and challenge yourself to be your best!